“Winter Space” - A mindful and therapeutic retreat for reflection & development 23 January 2019 at Tofte Manor, Bedfordshire

This “Winter Space” Workshop is aimed at professionals, and others who engage with people on a regular basis, and who would like to recharge and reconnect with themselves to deepen their self-awareness and plan for the future.  

Winter is the season in which we see more clearly the structure and shape of things in nature.  This Workshop will explore a parallel process in ourselves.  It offers the opportunity to examine and reflect on your life, including your work life, to identify scope for transformation and plan for the changes you may wish to make.  Using Tofte Manor’s beautiful grounds and rooms, our venue offers the capacity to work both in groups and as individuals, spending time outside as well as indoors.  Utilising coaching, counselling and mindfulness, this workshop aims to provide space to refocus and consider what you would like to do to enrich your life during the year ahead. 

In a series of four seasonal workshops, each individual retreat day will bring awareness to one of the senses.  This sensory focus will support delegates tuning in to the natural world.  The first Workshop, ‘’Winter Space’’, will focus on the sense of Sight to facilitate a sharper nature connection.  We will explore questions like:  ‘How do you see yourself?  What are you blind to, within yourself?  What is your Vision for yourself in the future?’ We will turn to our visual exploration of the outdoor environment to observe the winter world as we glimpse and crystallise our insights too. 

Facilitators: The Workshop will be facilitated by Margaret Walsh and Katharine Peel.  Margaret is a qualified psychotherapist, coach and supervisor who integrates nature into enhancing understanding of ourselves and how we can learn from nature to cope with change and become more resilient.   Katharine is a qualified Mindfulness Coach and mental health first aid instructor, committed to supporting people to become more embodied (finding and trusting what lies within us) in a world where we are increasingly lost in thought.

Practicalities: Although the weather may be cold and unpredictable, a key aspect of our Workshop will be working outside.  Amongst the grounds at Tofte Manor is found a calm and perfect space to tune back into yourself and into nature.  Please come prepared for the weather and to walk outside - not always on hard paths!  Finally, the sensory experience that will be a feature across all 4 workshops will be taste.  And so, you can expect seasonal, tasty, food and drinks.

Pricing: The cost of this Workshop, which is limited to 15 participants, is £195 with an early-bird discount of £165 if booked by 23 November 2018.

Food and refreshments: are included in the fee.

To book or for further information: please contact Margaret on 07799 661995 or by email on margaretswalsh@gmail.com  

Four Workshops involving coaching and mindfulness in nature, to deepen our connection to ourselves, across the four seasons

These Workshops are aimed at professionals, or others who engage with people on a regular basis.  The aim of each Workshop is to create thinking space and allow you the opportunity for time away from your daily routine.  Working in and with the natural environment, away from your normal role will enable your connection with nature to revitalise yourself and to identify and take forward new ideas and insights into your life.

Each Workshop has a seasonal theme and we will examine ourselves and our world through exploration of a core sense during our time together as follows:

·        Winter Space on 23 January 2019 – we explore the shape and structure of the landscape and that of ourselves.  The sense of Sight will be our lens, sharpening our awareness of ourselves and others.

·        Spring Echoes on 10 April 2019 – new possibilities become abundantly clear in Spring and this is where we place our attention.  What new changes or ideas do you wish to nurture?  It is our auditory sense – that of Hearing - that we tune into.  What is our own inner voice saying to us?  When we are in nature, what do we hear?

·        Summer Scent on 31 July 2019 – this can be a time of abundance in nature or also one of stress.  What is our ‘internal summer’ like?  Do we enjoy who we are, and the gifts we possess?  We take the sense of Smell and explore what this evokes in us.  What do we notice when we are curious?

·         Autumn Touch on 9 October 2019 – the time of harvest and of mists, as well as golden light. It is a time when the changes in our natural world are most visible and where nature discards what no longer serves it.  Whilst, hidden beneath the ground, resources are stored for later replenishment.  We explore our feelings about ourselves in this Workshop.  What are we touched by?  What is restorative and nourishing for us?

As well as linking to nature through our environment, we also seek to activate the senses (and access our natural world) through carefully chosen pieces from literature, poetry and through music.  We will work with you to facilitate an awareness of your ‘hidden nature’ by being more consciously aware of how you think and feel.

These Workshops will be facilitated by Margaret Walsh and Katharine Peel.  Margaret is a qualified psychotherapist, coach and supervisor who integrates nature into enhancing understanding of ourselves and how we can learn from nature to cope with change and become more resilient.   Katharine is a qualified Mindfulness Coach and mental health first aid instructor, committed to supporting people to become more embodied (finding and trusting what lies within us) in a world where we are increasingly lost in thought.

Tofte Manor, Bedfordshire, is the beautiful location of these Workshops.  The house is set within 50 acres of gardens containing a labyrinth and mature woodland and we have exclusive use of these grounds.  (See Tofte Manor link https://www.toftemanor.co.uk/retreats)

The cost for each Workshop, which will be limited to 15 participants, is £195 with an early-bird discount of £165, if booked at least two months in advance.  Further discounts are available when all four Workshops are booked as a package.  Food and refreshments are included in the fee.

To book or for further information: please contact Margaret on 07799 661995 or by email on margaretswalsh@gmail.com 

Five ideas how coaching supervision improves coaching practice

Coaches are in a very powerful position, often working with the inner world of the coachee and having to manage the dynamics of a  1:1 working relationship (with much activity happening beneath the surface and out of conscious awareness).  Done well, coaching can transform a coachee, the client organisation, and a coach’s professional practice.  However, done badly, coaching can turn into a cosy chat, in which there is collusion with the coachee.  Or, perhaps, an internal pressure from the coach to ‘prove their worth’ by showing what they know and not forming a strong working alliance from which to understand the coachee’s needs and how best to respond to them.

Looking at this area it is important to focus on what is meant by the term supervision in a coaching context.  Hawkins & Smith (2006) defined supervision as:

‘The process by which a Coach with the help of a supervisor, can attend to understanding better both the Client system and themselves as part of the Client/Coach system, and by so doing transform their work and develop their craft’.      

Although there are many coaches who practice without regular supervision, the three professional bodies in the UK coaching arena (Association for Coaching, International Coach Federation  and European Mentoring and Coaching Council) all recognise the value of supervision to ensure continuing professional development and that coaches are working to the highest ethical and professional standards.  As a coach, (and qualified psychotherapist), and someone who has recently completed a Level 6 Supervision Certificate, I have experienced and witnessed the benefits to be gained from coaching supervision and I offer my insights of the benefits of supervision in this blog as follows: 

1.  Proving a reflection space – In our busy worlds, we can sometimes lose sight of ourselves as coaches and operate on ‘automatic pilot’, using our tried and trusted coaching models.  However, a different perspective, from a well-qualified and skilled supervisor, can breathe new life into our coaching practice as well as help us to learn how to tolerate and work with ‘not knowing the answer’ or being able to ‘fix’ a client.  Transferred back into the coaching relationship, this also shows the client how to work through ambiguity in their lives.  Reflection space provides a space to ‘pause’, to review, reflect and think about our professional practice and provide insights into what we do, in potentially new ways.
2. Learning tools, techniques and new ideas – When we have the space to think, we can often see ourselves and situations more clearly.  Effective supervision facilitates a review of coaching practice and a widening of our perspectives and the options we have in our practice.  The coach might even practice some new ways of working in the learning environment which good supervision provides.
3. Understanding self – We bring our whole ‘self’ into our coaching practice, and so it makes sense that we have a deep level of insight into our own patterns of thinking and how this then shapes the coaching relationship.  From a professional development perspective, it is good to look closely at what influences our thinking, so that it does not unconsciously impact on work with a client.  For example, when working with senior leaders, there can be a reluctance to challenge or identify a blind-spot in the leader and this can be identified, acknowledged and worked through, in supervision.
4. Exploring unconscious processes/dynamics within the coaching relationship – Neuroscientists tell us that over 90% of our behaviour comes from our unconscious processing.  It is therefore in our best interests to know what influences our thinking.  The supervisor can, for instance, use the dynamics present within the supervisory relationship to explore whether there are parallel processes in the coaching relationships.
5. Awareness of the wider system within which coaching take place, including ethical and legal considerations - We operate in a world where there are huge demands placed on workers which include a long-hours culture; always connected through technology; and job insecurity (particularly in the Gig economy).  There are also very practical measures that need careful consideration by coaches like contracting, record-keeping and sharing of information.  How  personal information is managed was brought into sharp focus with the introduction of General Data Protection Regulations in May 2018.  A good supervisor will understand changes in the law that impact on coaches and will proactively advise coaches and check whether their current practice meet any new standards.   

Choosing a supervisor from limited information that appears on web-sites is often hard, and that is one of the reasons why I have chosen to write this blog to provide an insight into my own thinking about supervision.  My current conceptualisation of supervision is one of ‘learning in action’.  I see the supervision process covering a wide variety of theory, skills and practice and these include: reviewing work with clients, professional development, continuing professional education and personal support.  Finally, the words of TS Eliot capture succinctly both the effort and the simplicity of good supervision:

‘We shall not cease from exploration

And at the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know that place for the first time’.     

Margaret Walsh works as a coaching and counselling supervisor and works both face-to-face and over Skype.  She is also developing several CPD Workshops for coaches (both internal and external) to deepen self-awareness and sharpen coaching practice which involve working in nature in the beautiful grounds of Tofte Manor in Bedfordshire: https://www.toftemanor.co.uk/.

If you would like to discuss your requirements, then please contact Margaret directly at margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com or via LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/margaret-walsh-21ab9b10/

Achieving Work Life Balance (WLB) – six ideas to improve your WLB

We live in a world where there is a perennial cry for better WLB.  This is sometimes presented as a goal that can be achieved and then you can move onto the next task...  However, as with most tricky things in life, it is not an easy as it at first appears. Turning to the dictionary, the word ‘balance’ is both a noun and verb and both are worth exploring further.  

‘Balance’ as a noun is a destination word, a ‘thing’, and is defined as ‘an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady’.  When most of us consider the goal of achieving better WLB, I suspect that this is not what we have in mind!  Although, it is admirable to display these qualities on occasions.

‘Balance’, as a verb, fits more appropriately in the context of living.  One of the most useful dictionary definitions is: ‘Keep or put something in a steady position so that it does not fall’.  You may recall from grammar lessons, or picked up learning along the way that, a verb is a ‘doing’ word and this is the concept that I believe it is most helpful to hold onto.   To achieve balance requires constant readjustment to the dynamic nature of the world and our lives within it. 

We go through different stages in our life and, indeed, with our jobs or families or other responsibilities where we have changing pressures that mean we devote varying amounts of time to them.  This requires conscious thought and effort on our part so that we place our attention on those aspects of our lives that matter most to us or require more inputs (perhaps just for a short period).  Activities, like completing a ‘Wheel of Life’ (see image and guidance below), in which we plot where we spend our time are useful feedback points for us and can jolt us into action to focus on those parts of our lives where we are simply not spending enough time.  

Wheel of Life

To complete the wheel of life you simply allocate a score (from 0-10) to the different headings and see your distribution and where there are low scores.  You can then determine whether you would want to make any changes.  This tool also allows you to place a focus on the future and consider the changes you might make to the different areas and thus set goals to make some changes.

The ‘Wheel of Life’ is a useful tool that coaches use with clients, sometimes at the outset of a coaching relationship to assess the balanced nature (or otherwise) of a client’s life.  However, it should not be viewed in a fixed way.  As we know, balance is a ‘doing’ word and that means we should be active in our processing of where we spend our time.  The pressures within the wider world through the ‘always connected’ use of technology and the insecurities of our working life and the growth of the ‘gig’ economy often places a greater focus on our need to spend more time on work.  It is important to tune into this pressure and consciously consider what you want to do with your time.  It’s not easy to strive for balance but it is worth it.  I have set out below six ideas to consider for achieving balance.  These ideas emerge both my studies and my work with coaching clients and from good practice in this field:   

1.       Be consciously aware of where you spend your time and judge whether you are happy with this allocation.  Using the Wheel of Life may be a useful starting point in this respect, and enables you to look at where you are and where you would like to be with your WLB and allows you to keep both under review.

2.       Consider the ‘doing’ nature of balance, and the need to adjust to stay in balance.  One useful visual of constant readjustment, that can appear effortless, is a red kite (or similar large bird), in flight.  To soar in this way, a red kite needs to ‘read’ the thermals and adjust.  It is ironic that to appear effortless requires a lot of effort!  

3.       Know your patterns and where you spend your time automatically.  It may be that you have a message from childhood that you constantly try to live up to of ‘work harder and provide for others’.  This is important, but so is finding joy in family times and having space to think and reflect, as well as simply relaxing.

4.       Take control of how you allocate your time.  Put structure into your calendar that allocates balance for you.  If you can, manage your own diary and consciously build time into those parts of your life that you wish to extend.

5.       Review and reflect regularly on whether you are happy with your life and the balance within it.  This requires insight and self-awareness into what is important for you both now and into the future.  Rather than make a radical shift that can be de-stabilising, make small adjustments along the way.  We are constantly changing (through ageing and hopefully growing in wisdom) and it makes sense that we reflect that in the way we live our lives.

6.       Not wanting to sound too fatalistic, but for each of us life will come to an end.  As depressing as this thought may be, it can also be one that improves the quality of our living.  Reminding ourselves that we live our lives day-by-day can spur us into action to improve our WLB.  How we spend our time shapes who we are and it pays for us to consider whether we are content with who we are now in the world and where we spend our time.  

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

Understanding Your Unconscious Bias

Most of us like to think of ourselves as fair and open-minded, but we all make snap judgements, use stereotypes and, at times, make unfair assessments about other people.  We all have biases and many of these happen automatically, outside of our conscious awareness, in our unconscious.  Consider for a moment this well-known riddle:

A son and his father are involved in a horrific car accident and the father dies at the scene.  The son has serious injuries and is rushed to hospital.  When in the operating theatre the surgeon, on seeing the injured boy, says ‘I cannot operate, this is my son’.

How can this be?  The answer is at the end of this blog.  It’s useful to reflect on the answer that you gave and how quickly you made your judgement. 

Often, the results of unconscious bias are that we negatively stereotype a person without intending to do so.  Public attitudes and explicit behaviour have shifted in the UK over time with the role of women and the treatment of individuals from ethnic minority groups changing radically in the last fifty years.  Far fewer people are explicitly racist or sexist than was the case a couple of decades ago.  However, what has not changed are our implicit or unconscious biases; those biases that we have which are below the surface of our conscious awareness. 

So, why do we need to worry about bias and its impact, particularly in the world of work?  Looking at the facts is most helpful here.  In the UK, the Boards of our top 150 FTSE companies have 24% women and less than 2% from Black, Asian Minority Ethnic groups.   Within organisations, the culture of the organisation is primarily influenced by those in the most senior positions who act as powerful role models for others.  So, if most of our senior leaders are white males, it is the biases of these individuals which will shape core decisions, strategies and policies on how the organisation is run.  Bias can take many forms from ‘affinity’ bias, where we favour people ‘a bit like us’ or ‘halo’ bias, where we are impressed by a person because they are very good in one area.

Unconscious bias is important to understand in education as this will shape the next generation.  There is evidence of a pattern of behaviour in the UK at present, reported by the Institute of Physics, in which girls opt out of the ‘difficult’ subjects like Physics at ‘A’ level (with only 20% of girls taking Physics), despite doing better than boys in their GCSE Physics results.  In those schools where there are fewer girls studying Physics to ‘A’ level, the girls are to be found in the more traditional ‘female’ Arts subjects.  It is important for schools to consider the way that they, perhaps unconsciously, steer pupils of different genders in their subject choices.  A further example of the potential of unconscious bias is that as white, working-class boys get older they are now seen to be underachieving in some schools.  This may be down to several factors like the social inequalities in their lives ramping up; their own unconscious bias which sets low expectations as they do not see people like them doing well in the world; and, perhaps, their parents or their teachers self-fulfilling prophecies about their potential.  Biases can compound and make a problem seem intractable.  

     

It is not easy to address the issue of unconscious bias.  Indeed, there may be a reluctance for some individuals to talk about what is going on in their head as they might fear being viewed as a stereotype and so their thoughts are suppressed.  However, this is counter-productive as the key to addressing unconscious bias is to talk it through and applying sustained effort in understanding it on an on-going basis.   Each of us has a role to play in unravelling this issue and the best place to start is with ourselves.  It is important to know your own biases and to work with them.  The more that you know, the more you will be able to interrupt your automatic thinking processes and decide how you will work with it.  You can access the Implicit Association Test (IAT) run by Harvard University as part of Project Implicit to check your own implicit or unconscious bias against a range of different types of people: https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html

With your results, keep in mind that we are complex, and so be cautious about giving too much weight to any one test.  Instead, consider your behaviour in the world and how to raise your awareness of your biases so you are more consciously aware of your own behaviour and decision-making.  My previous blog, ‘Why the most effective way of deepening your self-awareness is to tune into your unconscious’, is a resource to help you understand your unconscious processing and how this impacts on your behaviour and your potential for bias. 

   

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

The answer to the test is: the surgeon is the mother   

Source – Data on women and ethnic minority individuals on Boards – Spencer Stuart UK Board Index 2016

Why the most effective way of deepening your self-awareness is to tune into your unconscious

It may sound like a riddle to read that to deepen your self-awareness, you need to understand your thinking patterns that are, most likely, unknown to you.   Yet, the accepted wisdom in Neuroscience is that over 90% of our thoughts come from our unconscious mind.  What is going on in your unconscious mind matters if you are serious about developing your self-awareness.  However, the challenge here is knowing that it is easier to tune out the uncertainty of not knowing rather than face this idea that your thoughts, which often drive your behaviour, are outside your conscious awareness.   

As it’s important to know what we’re dealing with, I’ll start by providing an overview of what is meant by the unconscious mind.  It can be viewed as the place where most of the work of the mind gets done.   It is the store for automatic skills (e.g. breathing), the source of intuition and dreams, and an engine of information processing.  Fleeting perceptions may register in the unconscious mind (e.g. bias towards a gender or race) long before we are aware of them.  From a visual perspective, the mind could be viewed as an iceberg, with your conscious awareness above the water and most of the unconscious processing happening beneath the surface of the water (i.e. outside of your awareness).  

So how do you tap into your unconscious?  From my studies and work, I have identified the following six ideas as starting points to grow your understanding of your own unconscious:

1.       Be curious and open-minded about how you are in the world

Become aware of the latest research and literature about the unconscious by reviewing breakthroughs in the field of Neuroscience.  One of the ways that we learn to adapt in a changing world is through our self-awareness.  Also, become comfortable with ‘not knowing’ the answers; which is also very good training for living in the world where there are so many uncertainties impacting on our lives e.g. Brexit, climate change and artificial intelligence.  There are parallels here with our internal world; both have ambiguity that we need to navigate and problem-solve.  With our internal world, psychometrics, theories and frameworks like Myers Brigg Type Indicator are helpful ‘shorthand’ to gaining insight into ourselves, but be mindful of not being ‘boxed-in’.  We are all individuals.

2.       Every relationship or interaction has dynamics within and surrounding it

If you consider that everyone that you have contact with has an unconscious, which drives behaviours that are most likely outside of their awareness, and that these collide at times with your own unconscious, then you start to understand the scope for conflict and misunderstanding in many relationships.  It also starts to explain why we might surround ourselves with individuals who have similar beliefs and ideas as our own (‘our tribe’) who may look and sound like us.  This is often more comfortable and affirming even though we miss out hugely on the diversity of thinking and connection that comes from being with people who are different to us. 

Psychodynamic theory, which was first published over 100 years ago, and has an established body of research, teaches us that our early relationships, with our parents and siblings ‘imprint’ a pattern of behaviour that we can often repeat (frequently unconsciously) throughout our lives.  Transference is a powerful feeling for someone whose traits mirror those of a significant person from one’s past and can be either positive or negative.   It may be that certain types of people remind us of, say, one or both of our parents and bring out unconscious feelings like ‘anger’ or a ‘desire to please’, which we may not even notice.      

3.       Use reflection time

The pace of change in the 21^st century is fast and with demanding jobs, family responsibilities, the Internet and social media, it is possible to be busy all the time.  You can easily become so distracted that you disconnect from yourself and this can lead to a build-up of stress or anxiety.  Connection to self was a theme from an earlier blog of mine, and one of the ways to build this is through introspection and this is where reflection space comes in.  By reflecting on events that either went well or did not go well, you disentangle the part you had to play in them.  The Greek philosopher, Socrates, understood the importance of tuning into your inner world with his famous quote, ‘an unexamined life is not worth living’.  This idea contrasts with the prevailing norms which favour a more extrovert, socially connected ideal where an individual’s social media presence is often carefully cultivated and curated to present the best of their life. By giving yourself space to reflect you can think things through and process your learning and insight, or simply tune into what you are feeling.

It is no surprise that the growing interest in mindfulness, meditation and getting into nature are an antidote to the busyness of the mind.  Building in techniques that facilitate a tuning back into your emotions increases your potential to understand your unconscious.

4.       Notice the patterns that exist in your behaviour

Abraham Maslow (who published the seminal work on motivation contained within his ‘Hierarchy of Needs’) understood the importance of self-awareness and wrote ‘what is necessary to change a person is to change her awareness of herself’.   By taking time to be curious about your behaviour, and how you feel, and spending time reflecting on this, increases your insight and your tendency to behave in certain ways.

5.       Be aware of your contradictions

Psychotherapeutic theories, like Gestalt, believe that we are made up of parts, some of which conflict, and this is quite a helpful visual reference to hold in mind.  Working through your own contradictions is not easy, but for every strength you have, there is also the potential for this to be overdone e.g. confidence in your own ability could having lurking beneath the surface an arrogance or insecurity.  Left unchecked, this could mean that every challenge or different perspective is seen negatively and a negative pattern emerges of, for example, a leader choosing only those people who agree with him, to work alongside him, and freezing out those who disagree.

6.    Work with a coach/counsellor, with rigorous, psychological or psychotherapeutic training and who is a member of a professional body with a clearly stated code of ethics

The coaching business has grown hugely in recent years and anyone can set themselves up as a coach, or indeed a counsellor, (if they operate outside of a professional body) with very little training and start working with you on exploring your inner world.  Coaching tools and techniques have their place in building the skill-set of individuals to manage problems like time management and delegation.  However, where issues are deep-seated and more psychological, to avoid these re-emerging, it pays to work at depth on them.    

When working at a deeper level, invest time and attention in choosing a coach or counsellor who has had rigorous training to understand their own unconscious mind before being let loose on yours!  As mentioned under point 2 of this blog, there are dynamics in every relationship, including coaching and counselling ones and it is often helpful to work with these as part of the coaching or counselling relationship as they potentially contain insights into understanding your unconscious.  A well-trained coach or counsellor can help you navigate through the uncertainty of not knowing and start to facilitate your process for understanding your patterns of thinking and behaviour that emerge from your unconscious. 

  

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com

Feeling underestimated? Seven ideas on how to feel more valued

How many people go through life knowing that they have so much more potential than is ever realised?  Probably all of us…  We all have the capability to achieve more and yet, we often give up on a goal or an ambition or on ideas thinking we’re not good enough or, perhaps, decide that it is just too difficult to keep on going.   Much of what can cause this thinking and behaviour is the way we process our inner thoughts of how we see ourselves in the world. Yet, when we start to underestimate ourselves, a cycle can develop which leads to a lack of confidence and it becomes harder to step out of our comfort zone.  So, how do you start to tackle the issue of underestimating yourself?  From my work over the years on helping others to develop their potential more fully, I have identified the following ideas:

1.      Know your own worth

This is the most important idea to work on.  How we see ourselves, and work through difficulties in our lives, sets up the pattern for what we do in the world.  We forget that others are unaware of our internal world and the thoughts that circle round and so we are judged solely on our external behaviour.  Therefore, if we choose to limit what we do this will be picked up by others and interpreted.  We might be seen perhaps, as someone who is not capable or ambitious and so less is expected of us and this can lead to feeling underestimated.

It is for each of us to value our abilities and to know that perfection simply does not exist.  We are all human and it is natural to have weaknesses and areas to develop.  Also, we need to take responsibility to know our self-worth and how that can be used in the world.  Indeed, rather than blame others when we feel we are not being appreciated we should reflect on the words of Eleanor Roosevelt who remarked: ‘no-one can make you feel inferior without your permission’.   

  

2.      Keep a record/journal of your achievements

This does not have to be a complex activity, and much can be gained from simply reinforcing the things that you are most proud of achieving or where you have made a difference.  It is not necessary to be in paid work to act on this idea, we can all contribute to the lives of our family, home or community that we are proud of and these all deserve to be captured.  Our memories are not perfect for holding this sort of information, and if it is lost we also lose an opportunity to record our worth.  It is also an opportunity to reflect on what we have done and what we hope to do in the future to retain our vitality.  Don’t forget that some of our greatest achievements may take a very long time before coming to fruition.

3.       Working outside your comfort zone

Learning should be a stretch and a challenge and so, if we are learning (which we need to do in a fast-changing world), then we face the discomfort that often comes with not knowing.  This, working through feelings of being uncomfortable, also applies to situations in which we might be underestimated or overlooked.  Sheryl Sandberg (Chief Operating Officer) in her book, ‘Lean In’, wrote of these feelings that women may have in male-dominated environments.  Being different, means that you may be kept outside of the ‘group’ and that can feel uncomfortable as we are social creatures.  Sheryl’s advice is to work through your discomfort and, lean in, (even when it is hard) and have your voice heard and your achievements acknowledged.

4.      Keep Learning

This theme has already been alluded to in the earlier ideas, but deserves specific mention here.  Life-long learning is a pre-requisite in helping us to adapt in an ever-changing and digitally-connected world.  Technology is an enabler for us all and understanding how to use it to your advantage (together with having insights into basic IT security) is a must for many in the 21^st Century.

Increasingly, the world of work values those with knowledge and skills and so to keep our skill-set sharp, we need to invest in staying up-to-date and relevant.  Knowing how to sift out news and information will also keep us well-informed and better able to know when we are being manipulated through fake-news.  Staying in touch with the wider world is also a way to avoid a thinking ‘bubble’ or ‘echo-chamber’, in which we only surround ourselves with like-minded people and so stop learning about the diversity and difference in the world.

5.      Develop a strong support system around you

Although, ultimately, we are alone in the world, our need to connect and belong is strong driver.  No-one goes through life without disappointment and upset, and to have people in your life who support and reinforce you during these times is essential.  It is worth considering whether formal support arrangements might also be helpful like mentoring or coaching.

We can act as a role-model to others of what it looks like to feel valued and therefore signal to others the benefits in knowing and appreciating our self-worth.

6.      Give back value

We are all part of a social system and one way to nurture that sense of being connected is to give back.  Volunteer to do something that will bring you joy and improve the happiness levels of others.  Small acts of kindness really do ‘make the world go around’ and are often remembered by those at the receiving end.  The strong support system mentioned in idea 5, is further strengthened through mutual acts of support and kindness towards each other.  Some of our greatest achievements come from work or an activity that is unpaid.

7.      Go for balance in your life

With the fast pace of the world and so much more to consider as our self-awareness grows, we need to ensure we have moments of joy, where we recharge.  This is not being selfish, to function well in the world and to remind ourselves that we have one life, we need to build in periods of joy and renewal.  For me, a connection with nature is a very powerful thing.  I also see many ways you can learn about change, resilience and adaptability which are essential characteristics in our world.  Most importantly, giving yourself time and space to think and to reflect is always paid back.  Be warned, staying ‘in balance’ takes effort and regular adjustment but, through conscious thought, can connect us back to knowing that we are worth working to achieve it.  

By trying out some of these ideas you will hopefully see some positive changes in how you feel about yourself.  Everyone feels down-hearted at times, just one of the emotions of being human, and these ideas will help you to understand and experience your worth in the world.

Margaret Walsh is a registered member of the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, a Member of the Association of Coaching and a Fellow of the Chartered Institute of Personnel & Development.  She works with individuals and groups using a mixture of coaching and psychotherapy to help deepen self-awareness from which to bring about change.  She works face-to-face as well as by Skype and telephone and can be contacted on margaretwalshcoach@gmail.com